FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT INFIDELITY

Question: What is infidelity?

Answer: Infidelity means the breaking of trust.  It occurs when one partner in a relationship believes that faithfulness is continuing, while the other partner is secretly violating it.  You do not have to be married or heterosexual to experience infidelity.  It can happen in any relationship in which sexual and emotional intimacy is expected to be exclusively with each other. 

Question: Is it my fault if my mate is having an affair?

Answer:  NO! Your mate had many options short of an affair for solving problems he or she perceived in the marriage.  Don't let anyone blame you for deceit you have suffered.  While the affair is not your fault, it is important to think about how both of you may have contributed to readiness for the affair. There is a difference between being told (in effect), "It's your fault that I was a liar and a cheat," and deciding together that there were issues that needed to be talked about that had not been well resolved.

Question: I'm so confused! One day I think I am ready to kick him (her) out, the next I desperately want to keep the marriage.  Is this normal?

Answer:  It's quite normal to feel ambivalent. People who are struggling with ambivalence often find it helpful to ask themselves whether they are ready to continue their lives regardless of what their ultimate decision is, to stay or to leave. Once you break out of the feeling of being trapped, it becomes possible to think more clearly and less emotionally.

Question: My husband wants me to engage in sexual acts I find disgusting. He claims that his affair was because of my refusal to do these things.
Is this the reason for his infidelity?

Answer: Most sex therapists will tell you that "good" sex is consensual sex between two adults. If your husband wants a sexual experience that is obnoxious to you, you might talk openly with him about other sexual acts that neither of you has explored that might bring pleasure to you both.

Question: My husband has had affairs through the years. Some I know about with certainty, because I caught him red-handed. Others I suspect. He has never really come clean. He certainly has never said he was sorry. I feel dead in the marriage, but I stay. Am I staying only out of fear?

Answer: The fact that you asked that particular question suggests that you already know the answer. If you feel that dead and he never has come clean, chances are that you are now staying out of fear. Women in particular are likely to experience more fear as they contemplate divorce. Women generally suffer financially in a divorce, particularly if children are involved. You may have very justifiable fears.

Question: My husband swears to me that he has ended a lengthy affair. It is now several months, but I get all kinds of phone calls from people whose voices I don't recognize, telling me that he's still fooling around with her. We also get a lot of hang-ups on the phone. Am I a fool to believe him?

Answer: No, not necessarily. If his schedule is once again reliable and you know where he is and what he is doing and if the marriage appears to be improving significantly in other respects, it is entirely possible that he is telling the truth. Put yourself in the position of the other woman for a moment. Imagine what she is experiencing. Chances are she believed your marriage was on the rocks and had reason to believe that, in time, he would divorce you and marry her. Imagine her hurt and disappointment. Frequently, it is only after a person feels jilted that this kind of behavior, sometimes called "stalking," begins and is a sign the affair is over.

Question: I'm very curious about what kind of sex he had with her and especially if he did things with her that he doesn't do with me.  Is my husband really telling me everything? Is my curiosity unhealthy?

Answer: It is not unusual for an offended mate to want to know what went on sexually during an affair. Some people believe they need this information and press until they receive it. In many instances, they subsequently discover that finding out may have satisfied their curiosity, but hurt them in other ways. As one woman said, "Knowing all the gory details left me with pictures in my head that I didn't want or need. I found myself comparing my breasts with hers, my short curly hair with her long, beautiful tresses. It was like there were three of us in the bed. I regret having asked." I suggest to my patients that they turn their attention instead to how they would like, as a couple, to improve their own love life.

Question: My husband has had several extramarital experiences. I don't know if they were affairs or just playing around. He has never fully disclosed what they were about to me. I haven't had sex with him in a number of years, so the questions of sexually transmitted diseases never entered my mind. Now he says he wants to resume a sexual life with me. I told him that without testing, I would never feel safe. He refuses to be tested. What do I do now?

Answer: Your question indicates that your husband has, to this point, never been honest with you about his extramarital experience. He is being no more honest about the possibility of a sexually transmitted disease. If you resume sexual relations with him, would it be because you also want to, or would it be more to service him? If it primarily for his gratification, what is your motive? If it is a matter of maintaining the security marriage affords you, you may feel forced to give in and resume sexual relations. If you do so, it would be urgent that you insist that the rules for "safer sex" be followed. I put these words in quotation marks to emphasize there is no such thing as absolutely safe sex if the person has been involved in unsafe practices. A good indicator about the future of your marriage is whether your husband cares enough about your health to be tested.

Question: I am impotent because of a medical problem. My wife claims that this was the cause of her affair. How can this problem be resolved?

Answer: Many men face impotency problems. For most, they are a cause of considerable sadness. Many men feel that they have lost their masculinity with the loss of erectile ability. I tell most of the couples whom I have treated who are faced with this problem, the wife's affair is not a direct result of the impotence. Wives in this situation reveal in therapy that their complaints are his loss of interest in bringing her pleasure and his depression following the development of impotence. Many men who believed that their own sex lives were over discover a renewal of their own interest in sexuality as they once again became interested in bringing their wives pleasure.

Question: My wife admitted an affair of several years duration. She tells me it is definitely over, and I am inclined to believe her. She has apologized many times for the hurt she has caused me. She tells me she can understand how violated I must feel. I appreciate all this, but every time I've asked her if she feels guilty about the affair itself, she has avoided the subject. Recently we had a heated argument, and she told me that she didn't regret the affair at all. She says it was a beautiful time in her life. Can she really regret hurting me and still not show remorse at all about the affair?

Answer: People in the throes of an affair are intoxicated with it. One patient described it this way: "It's like being the star of a great romantic movie. It has great sex, constant attention, and mystery. What could be better? I felt adored by my affair." Later, after the affair was long over, she could see it in a somewhat different light. "In my marriage, I feel loved - the kind that lasts, even though it has its ups and downs. But to be honest, I really miss being adored, even though I knew deep down it could never last." People seem to have the ability to remember the affair very warmly, perhaps even wrapped in romantic fuzziness, in which details that were not so positive are forgotten.

Question: My wife's affair ended only when I discovered some love letters on our dresser. It is months now that it's over, but I can't get the idea out of my head that it would have gone on forever if I hadn't caught her. Is this a common problem?

Answer: I'm not exactly sure from your question whether the problem you're asking about is your fear that if you hadn't caught her it would still be going on, or the phenomenon of getting caught. Let's tackle "getting caught" first. In the novel Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky describes Raskolnikov's compulsion to be caught in a crime. I suspect that this is not a problem that profession criminals experience. For them, crime is their life and the livelihood. There are no issues of conscience. By contrast, a child who has been involved in drugs is likely to leave little bits of evidence about because, deep down, he is in some conflict about his drug use. The loving parent discovers this evidence and confronts the offending child. In the end, it is a relief for the child to be found out. Leaving evidence of an affair around is also a call for help.

You can find more advice like this  in Dr. Lusterman's book

Infidelity: A Survival Guide